nevertheless

The fruit of the relationships that I willfully engage in is an authentic reflection of my communion with Christ. It was that heart-wrenching revelation that came to me at about 1:21 a.m. on May 28, 2022. The realization that wholehearted submission to God is impossible to achieve with a spirit that is willing yet at war, led by resistant flesh that actively contradicts what you know you must eventually do. I’m not afraid to say it. I’ve wrestled with God. I’ve wrestled by being in places I shouldn’t have gone, hung with people I shouldn’t have been with, and done things I shouldn’t have done. I’ve even wrestled with God while faithfully reading a verse that we’ve all come to know in some capacity. Yes, Proverbs 3:5-6. You probably know it by heart, but it won’t hurt to read it again as it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (NKJV)” Wrestling costs time. Wouldn’t you agree? And not just yours, but those affected by your negligent decisions because in most cases we know what to do and we just don’t do it. 

In my life, I’ve found this truth most evident in romantic relationships. My definition of love has matured over the years, but it came at the cost of someone whom I thought was the one. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Would I change the outcome? No, because what I thought was love actually wasn’t and I would have never realized that until I paid the price. Love, to me, is one’s willingness to unselfishly seek the best for someone else despite the immediate and long-term ramifications one may suffer for the greater good of both parties involved. In some cases, it is quite possible that distancing yourself from someone is more of a selfless expression of love rather than remaining present in their life. I know because, for nine months, I tried to make something become what it would never be. And it’s convenient to blame the other person. This is not one of those blogs, though. This is written by a man who acknowledged God’s wisdom and chose to do the exact opposite. It started with a dream in which indecisiveness was present, and I was gifted with the revelation I needed when a voice spoke suggesting that I “hadn’t fulfilled God’s will for [my] life.” Yet, I wrestled. It led to another shot at “we’ll try this again, but this will be the VERY last time.” Things went well to start, as they always did. It’s like God allows us to enjoy the sweetness of the fruit of disobedience, momentarily, only for it to eventually taste bitter because it was never His will (Hebrews 11:25). Our lifestyles differed, which time apart does, and it only became clearer as we tried to patch up memories of who we were when it all began. We revisited those times spent together making those moments the foundation of every next attempt at a relationship with each other. (Also, let’s be clear that your partner might very well be a good person, but good can be deceptive because it can delay and distract you from what’s right. This could, in some cases, be considered “settling” out of fear.) 

The next word of wisdom came from my pastor as I found every reason in the book to justify doing the opposite of what God wanted me to do. After sharing, he gracefully responded, “Don’t go back to Egypt.” (Exodus 14:10-14) Once again, I wrestled. I just knew someone was bound to affirm what I made up in my mind to do. Conveniently, I happened to have another mentor who is a pastor and was willing to meet with us. The counseling sessions were short-lived because at the top of every conversation we were met with the question, “What did God say?” Now it’s one thing to lie to yourself or someone else, but when God has already spoken? It’s like you’re lying on HIM! The Lord started dealing with me. I mean, sleepless nights, waking up constantly asking myself “Is she the one?” type of dealing with me. It was almost as if my disturbed peace was an answered prayer, yet I continued asking Him for the answer that I desired rather than the one I needed to hear and had already received three different times. Even still, I wrestled. After being led to two separate early morning studies of Genesis 32:22-32 and that good ol’ Proverbs 3:5-6 while also laboring through the book of Job, I began to get out of my own way and hers as well. I was met with the inevitable decision as I walked through the park with my mom when each scenario played back as I was sharing with her and the dots finally connected. I didn’t know how I would go about it and the feelings of reservation were still there. The questions of “Well, what if I didn’t hear Him correctly?” or “How will I look after reaching out to her once again just to look like - ‘I’m quitting’ feel to her?” and the scariest question of them all, “What if there is no one better?” God settled it by what felt like a soft whisper in my ear saying, “You will welcome more of what you see taking place in your family if you don’t take a stand today.” It instantly brought me to tears. It’s one thing to know that He’s chosen you to be set apart but another to stand despite feelings of discomfort. I can quote the Bible, outserve everyone, and even appear to the naked eye that I’m this holy, godly young man that just has everything so well put together but without obedience, it all means nothing.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sure by now something, someone, or somewhere has popped into your head that you’ve been wrestling to give up. I do not write this suggesting that it will be easy but rather with certainty that it will be worth it. Just as it spoke to me, I share with you Mark 14:36, where it states, “And He said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.” If you’re not there in your walk with Christ, as most of us aren’t, then just like myself, we have work to do. Let your faith walk be one cemented in the word “Nevertheless.” Lastly, remember that oftentimes faith is not a journey from certainty to certainty. Instead, it is a journey from uncertainty to uncertainty, with faith in God, whose character and will are certain.

Sign up for my community membership for part two of this story…